On Dreams and Jobs

On Dreams and Jobs

I’d like to say I’m a realist, but I’m not sure that’s true.  As a wannabe realist, I’m in the habit of reflecting on what I think is the perfect job.  I’ve had several ideas, but usually people don’t want to pay me for what I want to do, which is mostly sit around and think, or they don’t want to pay me what I’m worth.  In spite of all that, there are some possibilities.

My first choice was to be a kept man, but the prospects were…umm…limited (read: not going to happen), so I’ve had to come up with other ideas.  After much consideration, I came up with the perfect dream job: Vice President.  Think of the benefits: I’d get paid almost as much as the President, I’d have my own plane, a car and a driver, and a really cool house.  It’s not the White House, but on the other hand very few people want to go through it on a tour and most people don’t even know where it is—a definite plus.

I know it’s not a fancy position, and historically it’s received its share of criticism.  John Adams, the first Vice President, called it “the most insignificant office that ever the invention of man contrived or his imagination conceived.” Thomas R. Marshall, the 28th Vice President, had his own opinion: “Once there were two brothers. One ran away to sea; the other was elected Vice President of the United States. And nothing was heard of either of them again.”  Even with the criticism, though, I’m in.

Think about the actual job the Vice President does.  He presides over the Senate on that really high bench seat, and he only has to share it with other people sometimes; otherwise, it’s all his.  When there is something going on, like the State of the Union address, all he has to do is smile and stand up and clap.  I can do that.  There is one drawback; the VP is front and center, sitting behind the President, so I couldn’t make faces, or roll my eyes, or groan over what was being said, but I can handle that.  For a while, I thought it also might be a fun to be the guy who shouts: “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,” when the big man—or woman—walks in, but I don’t know what he has to do the rest of the year, and I don’t even want to imagine the sore throat he must have after all of that shouting.

The other thing the Vice President does is attend state functions—weddings, funerals, coronations, stuff like that.  I’m sure he gets a really good seat, and who wouldn’t want to go to a wedding for some royal personage—I even know the lingo—or, for that matter, a funeral?  I’d be great at the sitting-there-looking-official part.  What else is there…smile, shake hands, or bow?  I’m sure my wife Kathi would love to join me in the traveling.

I almost changed my mind on the Vice President thing recently.  It sounded like a great gig, until Dick Cheney nearly ruined it all by getting involved.  Apparently, no one told him he was kind of like the understudy: show up and shut up, until they need you for something.  It doesn’t mean other VPs would have to follow in his footsteps, but it’s very possible the expectations have changed.  Oh, one last thing, I’d be the tie-breaker.  When the Senate is tied, the VP gets to cast his vote.  I can do that.  Other than that, the VP doesn’t even have to go to cabinet meetings.   

The part I don’t like is actually having to campaign.  I decided I’d rather be one of those appointed Vice Presidents; maybe a small scandal in the newly elected administration, and I could be ready to step in.  I’m not sure what all of the requirements are, but I’d imagine a couple of good suits, several red or blue ties, some white shirts, maybe a tuxedo and, above all, a good haircut.  I know the VP doesn’t always have a good haircut—Mr. Cheney comes to mind again—but it’s probably best to have the good haircut.  It’s not like I’d be too busy doing other things.  Once clapping practice was over, and I’d practiced smiling and looking bereaved into a mirror for a while, I’d have plenty of time to get my hair cut.

I was actually hoping to be Hillary Clinton’s VP.  What a kick, huh?  Since that didn’t happen, I’m waiting for Joe Biden to say or do something stupid.  I mean r-e-a-l-l-y stupid, not just run-of-the-mill stupid, and I’m there.

-John Kavouras

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About John Kav

I have always enjoyed humorous writing, but in college I learned to admire and appreciate creative non-fiction and its many forms. I liked the idea of writing that is entertaining or, even better, humorous but also tells a true story about someone’s everyday life, so that’s usually what I write. Enjoy! I hope you'll leave me comments and come back to this site often.
This entry was posted in Creative Nonfiction, Humor, Writing. Bookmark the permalink.

149 Responses to On Dreams and Jobs

  1. Kathi Kavouras says:

    You would make a great vice president! It would be a job we both could enjoy!

  2. I was gonna say: You don’t have to wait long for Joe Biden to say something stupid. Even REALLY stupid. The man just needs to sit back, relax and enjoy his VP-ship. And stop talking!

    Seriously, I actually agree with most of his politics; I just don’t agree with the way he tends to express himself. 😉

    Great post! 🙂

  3. Tori Nelson says:

    Haha! My dream jobs seem to be far more lazy aspirations: cupcake tester, professional breather, etc.
    Kudos to you for having lofty goals 🙂

  4. J Roycroft says:

    I must say that today the requirements for VP are not that critical. I think you at least need a pulse. Congrats on FP

  5. ramshaali286 says:

    Haha I’ve always wanted a job where I could just sit around and do what I like. Vice President never occured as one of the possibilities.
    Amazing post! 🙂

  6. CrystalSpins says:

    I think Biden’s haircut is far worse than Cheney’s. Old man pompadour.

  7. The Hook says:

    Interesting views.

  8. ill qualify this statement by stating i voted for obama..but im pretty sure much of what biden says qualifies as ‘r-e-a-l-l-y stupid’

  9. One of the most interesting views of any political job I’ve ever read. Now that you mention it, being the vice president does sound much better than being the president.

  10. I, too, like to sit around and think, and no one has paid me for it yet.

  11. This post was really entertaining and I admire your sense of humour. Congrats on being freshly pressed! 🙂

    http://gbengaawomodu.wordpress.com

  12. ferkung says:

    It’s not a glorious job, but the VP isn’t the “sit on ass and twiddle thumbs” creature so notably pointed out in High School civics.

    This link might be meaningful, and it’s 40 years before Cheney. Hell, even the Wikipedia page for Biden shows his role in the administration.

    Someone needs a course in real politics.

  13. Khanum says:

    very true! haha….i just now pretend It doesnt affect me.

  14. Lakia Gordon says:

    I think that’s a pretty cool job too 🙂 Keep hope alive

  15. Y’know… that seems to be a common virus not being paid for what one wants to do… or indeed not being paid enough for what one does NOT want to do…lol… I think you may be onto something with this Vice-president idea… I wonder would it apply to other vice-presidencies as well? (the non- government kind…lol)

  16. Hey, I landed the “Kept Man” job, so some say, woo hoo 🙂 We’re wondering here what our own version of the VP does too (Deputy Prime Minister)….and he’s told all his minions not to give him any papers or emails after 3.00 pm …..So that’s official then, he’s doing bugger-all ! I like your post. Nice one. Hope you get your dream job 🙂

  17. mylifecn says:

    This is cool. I enjoyed reading it. &(^._.^)&

  18. ASJ says:

    Haha, funny and well-written. However, there is always the possibility that the President could go down , at which point you would be at the center of the universe. Maybe you could just let the person below you go ahead of you in line?

  19. sportsjim81 says:

    Love the post and the idea in general. I would like to get paid to organize sports pools for offices. I mean I already do it, and I’m pretty good at it, I just would like it to be my full time job! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed, what a rush, huh? Hope you’ll check out my page if you get a chance. Congrats again!

  20. 4initalia says:

    Saying something stupid is part of Biden’s job description. It’s kind of like the bridesmaid looking bad to reflect more favorably on the bride. That definitely worked for Bush, too.

    I’d like the professional guest aspect of the job. You know you’ll get a good table, and an early slice of cake.

    But I’d be worried about being Hillary’s VP; that could involve dodging painfully projectile lamps. Or maybe that’s just when she’s mad at Bill. On your first day as Hillary’s VP, you could suggest that recessed lighting is more flattering on camera. See? She needs you.

    Thanks for the laugh – I hope you Live the Dream.

    http://4initalia.wordpress.com/

  21. flyingloons says:

    High-five insight, John. Don’t, however, underestimate the king-hell pressures of selecting an appropriate wedding gift for royalty. If he’s invited to Prince William’s wedding, Biden, for the sake of being Biden, should be as flippant as he talks with the gift selection and give cash or a $25 gift card to Conoco.

  22. Loved it!! I too am on the path to getting paid to be me (thinker is high on the list). In fact I just wrote a post today called “Pay Me to Be Me: I Am Who I Am”.You gave me some ideas. Thanks a bunch 🙂

  23. Mary the OINKteller says:

    Funny post! Your reference to being the guy who announces the President reminded me of the announcer guy in the movie “Coming to America.” That guy had a sweet gig. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

  24. FinallyFast says:

    What the VP should be for is making everyone laugh… serious situation and you just step in and a second later everyone is just laughing it off. Then again maybe that’s a bad idea…

  25. harkheindzel says:

    Nice post and funny too. Hmmm…guess we all have a dream job. Well mine would be sitting in the office signing papers and getting my paycheck at the end of the month. Congrats on being fp
    harkheindzel.wordpress.com

  26. motivation says:

    Few people get paid to think. Except CEO maybe, but they are the happy few

  27. Nice post.

    Congrats, well deserved.

    Best,

    Shanna

  28. Steven says:

    It sounds like you may be a character or two away from having a screenplay ready for treatment. May not be the Veep, but you could paint a caricature of it if ya’ want. Being a writer, I just thought . . .

  29. Fabulous post, and may I say I’m jealous of all the comments. I have a large readership, but no one ever comments!

    • johnkrab says:

      Hi Daniel, Your link took me to your Facebook page. Do you also have a blog? Let me know what the link is; always love reading new things.

  30. Andie Newton says:

    VP is a dream job. You can sit back, relax, say stupid stuff and people will still generally like you. Plus, you never have the “burden” of being in charge. You can blame the person above you or below you, doesn’t matter. Remember that saying: Sh*t flows down stream? In this case it wouldn’t stop at your door, but rather pass right by. Hummm, I think you are on to something here. Congrats on making freshly pressed!

  31. rtcrita says:

    Sounds like you’ve given it a thorough checking out and lot’s of contemplation. I say go for it! 🙂

  32. I’m glad I’m not the only one who dreams about being paid for doing nothing! Perhaps that’s the REAL “American Dream?”

  33. Great stuff! I wish I could run for Vice-President of Canada…

  34. Asian Dyna says:

    It’s a cool job…until the President becomes unavailable and the VP has to take his place!

  35. Tracy Z says:

    hilarious! loved it!

  36. No need for Cheney to make you think twice about the VP position since he really was the President. 😉 Great FP post!

  37. uforicfood says:

    I really enjoyed this … I guess the other good thing about being a VP is you don’t really have to make any decisions – and if you did – you could always blame someone else LOL.
    Congrats on being freshly pressed!
    Lisa
    http://www.uforicfood.wordpress.com

  38. yep you got it….vice president *WHO*… sounds like the “Peter Principle” but I”m old school… you know the “cream effect”….. people rise in the ranks until they are “cream” i.e. “just above their level of competency”. let me know when you find the perfect job.

  39. Navani says:

    Just came across this blog and so glad I did. I loved this post! And I really like what this blog is doing by creating a platform to share and expose great writing. Thanks!

  40. mjcache says:

    Give the V.Presidency a whirl..I’d vote for you.

  41. dtrasler says:

    I thought I’d got the “Kept Man” gig, now here I am looking after the kids and STILL DOING THREE OTHER JOBS! What the heck is up with that? Although, to be fair, two of them are writing jobs, so not really work, and the third involves wearing an apron and welcoming people to the store, so not very taxing.

    I don’t know enough about the political situation here in Canada to know if there’s a VP job. Our politicians seem to do nothing but apologise, deny stuff and resign in a storm of scandal. That all sounds a bit too much like hard work for me. I’m sticking with writing, hoping that one of the many film makers who contact me will stop asking for free use of my scripts and make a decent movie, then pay me for it.

    A man can dream. Thanks for the smile, lifted my Monday afternoon.

  42. chipo11 says:

    That is so true, the tops always blame the bottoms…that is just how life goes…you have such top…dont bother yourself…live like u dont care

  43. Evie says:

    VP: Nice. I’d rather be the VP’s ASSISTANT… all the perks (you go with him/her everywhere, get paid to help the guy who does nothing do nothing) and none of the pressure (nobody points the camera at you, and if the Pres goes down you’re still not up for a high-pressure job!)

  44. Currie Rose says:

    Love it. Thank you!!! I am not a realist and each time I try to be a wanna be realist, I feel like I am doing myself a huge disservice by not following my dreams… anyway, thanks for your post. VERY entertaining and it definitely reminded me that I am not the only one grappling with how to get paid to be the awesome person I already am. 🙂

  45. bblog45 says:

    You set the bar far too high, you should have aimed squarely at scientific research.

    Get paid to have electrodes stuck to your head, sit in a room and drink little viles of potions….mmm fruity, but I think I may have just grown webbed hands…..

    Human research, they pay you to do nothing, and then you think about it.

  46. mhilm says:

    Tom Lehrer wrote a song on this topic: Whatever Became of Hubert (Humphrey)

    He stopped writing his wonderful songs because he felt he’d said it all, and things didn’t change, but that means they’re still as entertaining and thought provoking as they were when he composed them.

  47. shenanitim says:

    Wouldn’t it be boring? Just having to sit there and look dumb so your boss looks smart? Think about it, you’d be there, with some incredible blog idea in your head, and be totally unable to post it, or even write it down to save it!, ‘cuz ole el Presidente is yammering on about job growth. Again.

  48. Kitty says:

    I’d vote for you. Sounds like you have a lot more personality than most of our elected government officials. Very funny post. As someone currently blogging about trying to find a dream job, it is definitely nice to see a lighter perspective.

  49. Its a nice funny post. I loved reading it early in the morning. I just happened to be passing by on the net when the job and VP thing caught my attention. Good.. keep writing..

  50. Funny! Congrats on being FP. You don’t have to dream it. You already a VP in your house while you lovely wife Kathi I am sure is the President stuck will all the “Presidenty” decisions

  51. postadaychallenge2011 says:

    You would be the best VP ever as you described it perfectly. The Law of Attraction is at work with this post. I think we are all VP’s of some sort. Labels are over rated. I think everyone should be treated as an equal, but this is not what happens in society. For example, when I am in my Paralegal “hat” I get treated much differently then when I put on my “Barber” hat. Then when I put on my Security “hat” Oh my! The difference of how others perceive us by what we wear-or what we do, is unbelievable. The worst part is that being a “barber” should be a well respected job, and well paid one, and it is not. I have so many people say, “hey kiddo, how are ya today?” If I hear that one more time, I might have to dress in “uniform” just to see how they react. Great job with the VP as I had to rant. Thanks for listening too!

  52. Jared says:

    I have the same problem… “people don’t want to pay me for what I want to do.” love it!

  53. charmstep says:

    I’ve never had a job where I could just sit around and do what I like, but I did it anyway. You’d make a great VP, except I’d like to see/hear more of you because you obviously have a great sense of humor and you express yourself wonderfully. A very Fresh post. Press on.

  54. deehsarsiavo says:

    The office of Vice President probably wouldn’t seem so appealing if you hadn’t written about it so well. Kudos for an amazing read! =D

  55. Sharad Jaiswal says:

    Wonderful post. You have found one drawback, that you have to contest election. Well! Let me suggest you take such a job in India. Indians have found a way out for the vice president to enjoy the job without going through the rigmarole of a tough election. Here you have to just get elected through a small electoral college made up of parliament members. The job content and the perks are same as in US. You just have to put of with some spicy food and curry! Are you game?

  56. Jodi Lea says:

    Loved your post! I’m with you on the campaigning thing – I wonder if one could campaign (successfully) via their blog? Being on Freshly Pressed is a good start 😉

    Looking forward to reading more from you!

    Jodi

  57. everon-india says:

    thanks for sharing this wonderful post

  58. Yoyo.. cheers for this one!! funny..

    Regards,
    Chris.

    http://www.christophercopywriter.com

  59. Sampurna says:

    I’ve longed to be a truck driver, window-washer, hoarding painter at various times in my life. And i completely see your point. Very good writing!

  60. goodatlife says:

    Excellent! Congrats on being freshly pressed. Best, dara

  61. honey says:

    hahaha dream job indeed!

  62. solander1 says:

    johnkrab—your article expressed what nearly every literate American has at one
    time felt about the vice-presidency. But you did it with cleverness and humor-well-done!

  63. leadinglight says:

    Hmm, interesting perspective on the “perks” of being a VP. But had you taken into consideration if there were plans to assassinate the President, you might be next in line?

  64. jmcmurray says:

    Very humorous piece. It had me smiling the whole way through. I really like the hint of truth that permeates the whole thing. You have a new subscriber.

  65. Kirsten says:

    i would so vote for you! i think if everybody stopped trying to be all important and started being themselves the world would be a better place, and maybe we could all get paid for just being who we are and doing what we like

  66. misspinkles says:

    great post!
    thanks for sharing =]

  67. i would like to vote for you, but sometimes promises are only made when there can be no action!!

    http://sohelgolwala.wordpress.com

  68. Hilarious post, really well written. I just started blogging again after quite a long Hiatus. Please have a read, leave some comments and please become a follower for God’s sake! I am not sure why I’ve only 5 with 943 page views in 3 weeks! Thanks for the laughs!

  69. mwiti says:

    nice one:a job with little responsibility and some respect…lol and ok money,when s*#% hits the fan blame it on everyone and everything but your self its all their fault

  70. I like this all the power but still relatively in the background. However, if I was a man I currently think the best job is being an actor in Mad Men, betting up close and personal with retro and beautiful women and famous and paid for it ! Also being part of a cult US series, how great is that.

  71. I like this all the power but still relatively in the background. However, if I was a man I currently think the best job is being an actor in Mad Men, getting up close and personal with retro and beautiful women and famous and paid for it ! Also being part of a cult US series, how great is that.

  72. Great post. But wouldn’t doing nothing get boring after a while?

  73. vanimator says:

    Great Post !!
    Thanks for the share.

    Vanimator
    http://www.vanimator.com

  74. kefuoe says:

    “…usually people don’t want to pay me for what I want to do, which is mostly sit around and think…”

    When I was young, I heard the term, “think tank” and was certain that working there would be my dream job. Sitting around and thinking all day sounded right up my alley. The tank part didn’t sound all that comfortable, and it seemed to imply that people would be watching you as you thought, but no heavy lifting required.

  75. Great POST! I want the same job of sitting around and thinking! Where do we apply?

  76. ryekatcher says:

    LOL. It felt so odd to read a male version of me. The first paragraph was me speaking… When you find a job idea for our rare abilities- post it please. My talents are dwindling with age…

  77. Presbytera says:

    You come from a long line of dreamers so you definitely come by that honestly. I think that automatically disqualifies you from being a politician.

  78. run4joy59 says:

    great blog…I’ve often thought about what I’d do if I could do anything I wanted to do and I honestly have to say being VP was never on the list…but you may have changed my mind…very funny!! And congrats on being freshly pressed!!

  79. TK says:

    I’m new around here so forgive the newbie question, but what exactly does it mean to be ‘freshly pressed’? Is it like with flowers or pants? It sounds like something complimentary, but then again it also sounds vaguely sinister. Like something a medieval torturer might say to you after a session in the new jiffy-press. Anyway, great blog, and congratulations on being freshly pressed (I hope that’s a good thing).

    • johnkrab says:

      Oh, yes. It’s a good thing. I do, however, like the reference to the “medieval jiffy-press.”
      Thanks for reading and commenting.

  80. I think I have a new dream in life… I would love to be a Vice president too!
    You are absolutely right, they get to go to all those cool events and get the best seats. About the big house that most people don’t know where it is… Who wants to be in the white house anyways?
    Great post, funny but somehow realist 🙂

  81. Nice blog and good post…
    Keep blogging.. 🙂
    Waiting for your next post…

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  82. Ollin says:

    This was hilarious! Thanks for making us all smile.

  83. ninny92 says:

    This is hilarious! xD loved your post!

  84. seo says:

    Very nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I’ve truly enjoyed surfing around your blog posts. In any case I will be subscribing to your rss feed and I hope you write again very soon!

  85. Haha I’ve always wanted a job where I could just sit around and do what I like. Vice President never occured as one of the possibilities.
    Amazing post!

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